I used to think of myself as indestructible. I used to be an idiot. Well, actually, I am still an idiot although I have learned that time is a bastard and sometime makes us into bastards on our own account..
First it was my grandparent's generation that was disappearing and now it is my parent's generation. Better men and women than I will ever be (or you bored reader), suddenly gone or painfully making their way to the inevitable end. Depressing to think about it, because, as I have said many times before, those that follow in their footsteps can never match their character.
I am watching an old friend slowly die of cancer. True, he is over 80 years old, but as a local fixture, it is hard to see the steel that he once was melting into a puddle. My own folks are so different than they used to be. My mother's health is...well, not exactly failing, but precarious. My dad, who once lifted a Harley Panhead into the back of his pickup truck..alone...is now unable to do things that he never thought twice about and has to call for help when he never would.
Myself...years of foolishness, stubbornness and accidental removal of small parts of my body mean that this cold weather (-7 deg F) while once uncomfortable but manageable, is now simply painful. I am only 52, by I am constantly reminded that I am no longer 25. My feet hurt. My knees hurt. My back hurts. When I look at the generation that spawned idiots such as myself and see what is coming, I begin to wonder what it is all about. What purpose is served by all this work? Worse yet, I look at a job that I am either planning and contemplating (such as a new roof on my house that I will do in the spring) and I think, that's the last time I will do that! More and more "last times." I am still too stubborn to call for help, but I fear that may change sooner than I like.
My kids, who have turned out to be low fools, in spite of the efforts their mother and I put in, have no idea and no appreciation for the sacrifices, no idea of the hell they have put us through, no idea of the loss of legacy that they have created. I have no idea how to fix it. Not a situation I am used to being in.
And, there is no going back. No correcting the past. Just push forward with your head down, absorb the pain, don't whine, don't complain and move closer to that final hole that we all will fill.
Depressing, but sometimes that is the way life is. Shit. Most of the time that is the way life is. But still we must keep pushing forward, tracking our losses and trying not to repeat our mistakes. The advantage of getting older? There are a lot more "that's the last time I will fuck up that bad" situations. So at least there is a bright side.
